Sitting in Chicago Bagel Authority (a sandwich shop). Staring down at bagel crumbs on my china plate. Listening to Amy Winehouse sing no, no, no to rehab. Feeling, in short, melancholy.
I was pondering my old office job. How I once held the title of The Lady who Brings the Cakes to Work. Cake for birthdays, cake for last days, sometimes even cake for when we hadn’t had cake in a while.
You know what?
Outwardly, everyone’s all ooh, that’s so sweet blah, blah.
But.
Why Cake-Bringers Are Resented by Their Co-Workers
Cakes must be immediately declared fresh, moist, delicious, etc.
Upon finishing your too tiny cake-lette square you will still be hungry. Face reddening, you inquire if you might partake of a second piece. As you speak, you hold out your greasy paper plate and brown streaked plastic fork like some grotesque parody of Oliver Twist. “Not everyone has had a first piece,” the cake-bringer says. Her voice is sharp. You bow your head in shame.
Afterwards, when no more cake exists– and you are still hungry– you humbly thank the cake-bringer. You thank her more than once because if you thank her once she might not remember. You have a vague idea she keeps track of these things. Even if you are dieting and have abstained from cake you say thank you. In fact, especially then.
The cake-bringer needs people to feel grateful to her. Cake is her sad power play. God knows, in every other facet of her life she is powerless. Cakes fill up her holes.
In truth, the cakes disrupt the work day.
We are not in the mood for chocolate! There is too much icing! There is not enough icing! Last month’s choice of coconut seemed ill-considered. Why always a middle piece when we are desiring end pieces? Does the cake-bringer watch? To see who is scraping their cake parts into the garbage?
We fear this is true.
The cake-bringer’s cakes are nothing more than bribes. To win our faux Love. But wasn’t it sale cake? Our faux Love to be purchased so cheaply? Plastic forks scrape angrily over white paper plates. Well, fine. We won’t deny our hunger. We may (or may not) allow her a modicum of fleeting faux Love. But we vow that the Cake-bringer Lady shall never have our respect. No, no, no.
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Well, this was strangely cathartic. Thanks for visiting this site. Comments of cake-bringers as well as cake-eaters are most welcome.
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Unrelated Addendum: This weekend the Great Blogs grid in my sidebar shuffled. This was because I thought when you Followed a blog that posts would be automatically sent to your email. However in a few cases that wasn’t true so I changed my Settings to enable that and a shift ensued. Below find info on Great Blogs bloggers.
Dave Whatt— British blues musician and superb painter– describes himself as a “grumpy old surrealist.” His posts are bizarre, surprising, and hilarious. They sometimes feature people named Tony Mayonnaise and Barbara Moop. This blog introduced me to (a real) sci-fi writer named Cordwainer Smith. I owe my new lovely job to that. Thank you, DW.
Marco Lilliu is a gifted and inventive young comics artist from Italy. Pics from his work-in-progress look pretty terrific. I admit, though, to having an especial fondness for his self-portrait as a chicken.
What are you reading for..? posts wonderfully intelligent, insightful reviews of mystery novels. His recommendation of John Llewellyn Probert’s “The Nine Deaths of Dr. Valentine” (where the murderer copycats Vincent Price films) was so enticing that it’s my next to-read book. As soon as I finish my Cordwainer Smiths and Harry Stephen Keelers from the Harold Washington Library.
New Granada’s noir movie reviews pair nicely with the above blog. Patrick Cooper has a smart, breezy, slightly foul-mouthed style and provides eye-popping, eye-candy pics from those glorious, witty, granite-boiled b&w films.
Bostonian Barry Corbett of Meet & Geek is an award-winning cartoonist and master of the pun. Check out his cavemen who struggle to play rock, paper, scissors or his Oscar-Mayan Calendar with its hot dog apocalypse. Barry also posts comics news and is a generous supporter of his fellow cartoonists.
Then there is The Girl In The Little Black Dress. If anyone had predicted I’d be Following a teenager’s fashion blog… But Natalie’s posts seek out the peculiar and memorable in fashion (McDonalds dresses and Cheetos gowns). Plus she is so enthused, funny, cool and joyous about her topic– her blog is irresistible.
You might want to sidle up to the sidebar and click on a few of these. Thank you for reading.
awkwardphobic 